I got your Vision right here

As you may have realized by now, many bees are buzzing around in my bonnet. Among them are a) religion and b) Canadian private broadcasters. So today I'm going to discuss Canadian private religious broadcasters.

Where I live cable subscribers receive – are forced to receive, and forced to pay for receiving – two religious channels, VisionTV and CTS. VisionTV describes itself as a multifaith channel while CTS is Christian.

One of the characteristics of Canadian private television I dislike is its constant failure, constantly forgiven by regulators, to do what it has said it will do as a condition of its licence. Both these channels fill out their religious schedule with secular situation comedies and dramas. However, the programs CTS shows seem appropriate for its stated goal of showing programs that "present strong family relationships and real life situations that we all face...handled in a manner reflecting positive moral values." VisionTV is another kettle of loaves and fishes, though.

VisionTV claims that it presents "inspirational, insightful and original programming that celebrates diversity and promotes understanding among people of different faiths and cultures." Okay – let's look at their schedule.

What we find is that the weekday evening schedule is dominated by programs like Murder, She Wrote; Yes, Minister; Quantum Leap; Jeeves and Wooster; Keeping Up Appearances; documentaries about Frank Sinatra; and...On the Buses! Yeah, On the Buses promotes a lot of that "understanding among people of different faiths and cultures." They will come to understand, for example, that in the 1960s and 1970s English bus drivers and conductors were chiefly interested in getting laid.

The other programs I have listed – and there are several more of the same type – also obviously have little if anything to do with understanding between faiths and cultures. They are largely products of British and American culture intended for members of British and American culture. Let's face it – Jerry Springer would be a more appropriate choice, since his show at least deals with morality.

The problem, I think, is not VisionTV as much as the Canadian regulatory body, the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunication Commission (in Canada all government agencies have to start with Canadian or end with Canada so we won't forget what country we're in). I'm sure VisionTV set out with the best of intentions, but we know where that road leads. It turned out that their idols had feet of clay after all, and they couldn't fill their schedule with enough religious programming. So they put on pretty well anything instead. Being religious, no doubt they figured out some way of interpreting that decision to make it look like God's will.

I don't blame them. I blame the people who are supposed to be seeing that that doesn't happen, the CRTC. Why are they letting VisionTV get away with running programs which make a mockery of its mission statement? Okay, that's what the CRTC always does when a private broadcaster fails to meet the conditions of its licence, so it's become a habit, but why did it become a habit?

One would like to think it wasn't because private broadcasters tend to be people with friends in high places. One would also like to think, though, that VisionTV had some scruples and would refuse to sell airtime to Peter Popoff's Miracle Manna Bread ("Cures cancer, and it makes you rich!").

Anyway, VisionTV has failed. The evidence is broadcast every night, for the love of all that's holy. End VisionTV's suffering and open up its slot on basic cable for something people want to watch. Naked News is quite popular.

Work

The myth has it that if you just work hard enough you can accomplish whatever you want. There's a reason I call that belief a myth, of course.

Hard work is usually an obstacle to success. You can obtain benefits through hard work, but they are as nothing to the benefits that can be obtained through being acceptable to the people in charge. The people in charge are generally not impressed by either the capacity or the willingness to work hard. They are impressed by help in making their conceptions of themselves more agreeable.

The Peter Principle holds that people are promoted until they reach a position {in} which they are incompetent. That may have been true when Dr. Peter wrote his first book, but it is true no longer. Today, competent and hardworking people are kept in the positions for which they have demonstrated competence, and the incompetent and lazy are promoted. Perhaps the people in charge are hoping to find positions for the incompetent in which they may actually be able to develop competence, but the more likely reason that the incompetent and lazy are promoted is that it is only they who have the time for the gladhanding and backslapping necessary to impress the big guys. And of course they are less threatening to incompetent superiors than the competent are.

Whatever the reason, the hardworking employee tends to be taken for granted, if not scorned. Many people look on them as suckers. Most managers seem to look on their organizations as criminal conspiracies to defraud the public. Someone who is actually trying to provide service to the public is a fool, and he or she must be condemned to even harder work and even less respect. Such is our recent history. Employees work harder and make less pay. Managers run their organizations into the ground, and get bonuses for it.

A healthy, happy summer

Guest column by NEW IMPROVED HEAD healthy eating editor Joyce Stookey:

Summer is almost here, and that means lots of enjoyable al fresco dining! Luckily most people know what healthy nutrition is these days, so they won't be spoiling their outdoor culinary adventures with the traditional outdoor summer fare, which is all too tasty and all too little nutritious! Yes, thanks to the new emphasis on healthy eating at all times, you're going to live longer and enjoy more outdoor summer dining fun than you would have if you'd stuck to your dangerous old-style diet!

However, healthy eating doesn't begin and end with nutrition!! Just because you're eating the right foods doesn't mean you're eating them right! To stay healthy you not only have to eat healthy foods, you have to eat them healthily! Here are some tips to help you make your summer picnic fun healthy and happy!

• Food which is too hot may cause nasty burns to tongues and mouths. Food which is too cold may cause pain to people with extensive fillings or gingival problems. Serve all your food at room temperature.
• Sharp points on eating utensils may cause injuries to mouth, lips, or tongue. Make sure the tines on your forks have been safely ground down so you can dine in confidence.
• When spreading a cloth to eat on the ground, reconsider and fold it back up. Getting back to nature is one thing, eating amid the excrement of innumerable woodland species is another.
• Public picnic benches are often unstable. If the people on one side of the table get up at the same time, the people on the other side may take a nasty spill. Make sure that everyone at your table is equipped with a seat belt and head protection.
• Crowding at public picnic benches also may lead to injury from wayward elbows. You don't want anyone going home with a black eye, so eat in two-person shifts to ensure that everyone can eat without fear of injury.
• Many eating accidents occur because of distraction. You look away while cutting food and wham!, you've put the knife in your eye! The chief source of distraction at the table is of course conversation. Restrict your conversation to the few necessary requests for food items or condiments and watch as your lost-time picnic accidents disappear!
• Bolting your food can lead to dangerous choking situations. To encourage people to chew their food thoroughly, put a metronome ticking at 80 beats per minute on the table and invite everyone to chew along with it.
• Use only CSA-approved fireproof paper plates.
• Two alcoholic drinks a day are good for your health, so make sure everyone gets their daily quota. In fact, when you're in the great outdoors you're probably engaging in vigorous activity, so you can safely increase that quota to four drinks. In fact, you're probably going to be engaging in more vigorous activity later so make it six. Or so. What the hell, there are all sorts of recipes for punches (or, as I prefer to call them, alcohol shakes) which are so healthy they'll make your head swim. Whip up a batch, or two, and make that the main course. Just remember, the sign of any healthy alcohol shake recipe is that the alcoholic content is provided in part by two or more bottles of alcool. If you can get your hands on some overproof spirits that don't hurt, either. I was at this picnic once, we got so healthy the police asked us to do some exercises for them and then they drove us somewhere but my memory of that is kind of hazy. Man, were we healthy, though.
• In fact, alcohol is so good for you, why the hell should you waste all your time driving back and forth to the picnic? If you scrap the picnic idea then the designated driver won't miss out on his or her daily healthy dose of alcohol. You want to be outdoors, sit on the porch. You know, another nice combo is commercially prepared lime punch, sake, and dry sherry, or, as my colleagues in the helping professions call it, goof. Not mixed together, of course, but a bottle of each consumed in that order. I've been on many a run with those boys. That French vermouth is good, too, and of course summer is the perfect time for pastis.

So you see, healthy eating is as easy as one, two, three. By keeping your health and the health of your family and guests uppermost, you'll have a healthy, happy summer. Here's to your health. In fact, here is to your health. I just happen to have a bottle of health food around if you could just turn your back for a moment because I have this thing about letting people know where I keep it. No peeking. I'll be right back. I'm just going to go get some glasses.

The new class system

Communism is dead, and it's dead because communists failed to realize that society had changed. They thought society consisted of the bourgeoisie, who owned the means of production, and the proletariat, who sold their labour to the bourgeoisie. Because these two groups' interests were different, class struggle determined history.

These days, though, improvements in technology mean that means of production can be bought by many people. In the 1960s, for example, you had to have a great deal of money to afford a computer. These days, you can put a computer that is far more powerful than that 1960s one onto your desk or your lap for under $1000. As a result we have seen an increase in self-employment and freelancing. A large percentage of the proletariat has managed to escape the control of the bourgeoisie.

When anyone can own the means of production, control must go to those who control the advertising. The political life of the United States provides an example of the importance of advertising today. The control of the news media by conservatives means that the spin points of the Republican National Committee are repeated endlessly on the corporate airwaves.

Lies about John Kerry's military service helped defeat him in 2004; Kerry has said he did not respond to them because he didn't have enough money for advertising. Lies about Al Gore helped defeat him in 2000. Something has to account for the accession of a mediocrity like George W. Bush to the most powerful office in the world, and it looks as if the advertising and propaganda resources of the Rupert Murdochs and Jack Welches of the world are it.

If you don't believe me, consider the current presidential election campaign in the United States. One theme that the press has developed is the evil past of Michelle Obama. Because she criticized the United States in an essay she wrote in university, she is depicted as an enemy of the American people. Meanwhile, there are no stories depicting Cindy McCain as a predatory heiress who used her money to break up her husband's first marriage so she could have him for herself and turn him into an important man. There's as much evidence of that as there is of Michelle Obama's anti-Americanism, but somehow the press isn't interested in it.

Considering the interest they showed in Bill Clinton getting a blow job, you'd think the press would be all over the relationship John McCain and Cindy Lou Hensley had while he was still married to his first wife. But for some reason Cindy McCain's pants are of less interest to the press than Bill Clinton's.

So the advertisers and consumers have replaced the bourgeoisie and the proletariat as the components of society. The problem at the moment is that the consumers aren't aware of this change, so there is little class struggle. Workers of the world – wake the hell up!

Sunday Bible study (Matthew 18)

In chapter 18 of the gospel according to Matthew Jesus contradicts himself startlingly. First of all, in verses 15 to 17 He tells his disciples:

15. Moreover, if they brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

16. But if he will not hear thee, take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

17. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

That’s pretty clear – three strikes and the sinner is out. Then, in verses 21 and 22 we read:

21. Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

22. Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

All of a sudden the rules have changed. Any hope of reconciling these two passages is dashed by the ensuing parable of the cruel servant, in which Jesus makes it clear that we are to forgive our brother everything. So, in the space of one verse, Jesus reverses his thinking on this issue.

This chapter reminds me of a former boss of mine. He used to come in to work one day and tell you to do one thing, then come in the next and tell you to do the opposite. Whatever you did, you still hadn’t done what he’d told you to do. We worked for a Christian organization, too.

The new positive YOU!

Guest column by popular futures expert and licensed macrame therapist Hope Candyfloss:

Many people tell me "Hope, I wish I had as positive an attitude as you do!" And I tell them "You don't have to wish! You've already got a positive attitude! You just have to use it more often!"

We all have positive attitudes about something! And we could have more! Research has found that people tend to be most positive when they're making ratings with vague criteria or when they know very little about the people or things they are rating. Not wanting to harm anyone needlessly, they choose the positive option!

As we say, familiarity breeds contempt! But who wants to breed contempt? Do you really want to be a naysayer, a wet blanket, or a gloomy Gus? Of course not! Wouldn't you rather be supportive, constructive, and positive? Of course you would!

So developing a positive attitude is easy! Simply refuse to develop an unhealthy overfamiliarity with the people and events in your world, and ignore any unhealthy information you may already have acquired! When you lose that unhealthy overfamiliarity you won't develop those harmful clearcut nitpicking criteria that cripple your positivity either!

Advertisers have used this strategy for a long time! They don't tell you that their athletic shoes help you run faster, they show you an inspiring vignette and tell you to "just do it"! They don't tell you that their pop or hamburgers taste good, they just associate them with happy times!

Politicians recently discovered this strategy, too! Platforms and principles are things of the past! Stirring words about leadership and responsibility and other inspiring things that are never defined are the order of the day! And leaders get re-elected even when they've done nothing!

It works for the most powerful people in the world, and it will work for you! Forget as much as possible of what you know, and refuse to learn anything more! Suddenly you'll find a smile on your lips, a spring in your step, and happiness in your heart!

"Where ignorance is bliss/'Tis folly to be wise." Is there something wrong with bliss?

Are YOU a success magnet?

Just in case you haven't noticed, we'll point out that the world has changed. No more can you expect to get through life in some cushy, undemanding job with an inflated salary.

These days you have to fight to make a decent buck. You have to take initiative. You have to be goal-oriented, a go-getter, a never-quitter, you must be...an ENTREPRENEUR!.

To find out if you have what it takes to succeed in this new competitive world of today, all you have to do is complete this simple quiz. The instructions for scoring follow the quiz.

1. Suppose you worked for a jerk. Which of the following would be the most likely way you'd deal with the problem?

1. try to do as good a job as possible in the circumstances?
2. ignore him/her?
3. vigorously contest his/her unreasonable actions?
4. shoot him/her?

2. Which of the following singers do you like the least?

1. Michael Bublé
2. Sheryl Crow
3. Gwen Stefani
4. Joe Valachi

3. Which of the following do you try to model yourself after?

1. Mother Teresa
2. Martin Luther King
3. Bill Gates
4. Sammy "The Bull" Gravano

4. Suppose you went on a trip to Paris. What is the first thing you'd do as soon as you arrived?

1. visit the Louvre
2. enjoy a fine French meal
3. go to the top of the Eiffel Tower
4. pistolwhip the first freaking Frenchman whose fat freaking face you didn't like

5. Your favourite fashion accessory was designed by:

1. Roots
2. Ralph Lauren
3. Gianni Versace
4. Glock

6. The type of investment you consider best for you is:

1. a savings account
2. a GIC
3. mutual funds
4. skimmed casino cash flow

7. Your favourite exercise is:

1. striding
2. jogging
3. running
4. shaking down terrified shopkeepers

8. The chief way in which you are politically involved is:

1. voting
2. canvassing
3. sitting on the executive of your riding association
4. municipal corruption

9. Your favourite popular song of the Seventies is:

1. You Light Up My Life
2. Shake Your Booty
3. Let's Stay Together
4. I Shot the Sheriff

10. For Christmas, you would most like to receive:

1. a token of love and affection
2. a modestly priced gift
3. an expensive gift
4. a bribe

That's it! Now follow the simple scoring instructions below to determine YOUR success magnetism!

Scoring. Give yourself a point for each answer you chose which was identified by the letter d. Here's what your score means:

0 to 6 points: Communism is dead, you scumbag pinko degenerate! Either get with the program or get your ass on a plane to Cuba! But first drop by my place so I can kick your Commie ass from here to the airport! Of course, you'd probably like that, you sicko Commie pervert!

7 to 9 points: You have some hope, but your work is still cut out for you. You still retain some of the lazy, soft, defeatist values of the old days, and until you eradicate them completely you'll never earn a slice, however small, of the success pie. Remember, there's still a possibility that you're a threat to society. As more real men and women rise to the top in society, your chances of getting away with being the deviate you still are will get slimmer and slimmer.

10 points: Congratulations! You've got what it takes to get what you want! You're willing to take risks, to set goals, to work together in co-operation with other self-starters so that all may reap benefits! You make money the old-fashioned way – you take it from other people! With this get-ahead entrepreneurial attitude you can get whatever you want! I've wet myself!